Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
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Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Thinking about Jeff
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
They’re the worst 😩
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.