m’lady
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Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.