mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
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a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Wise advice
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
This could be us… but you playing
Why is no one talking about this?!
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.