@patnspankme

MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.

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@signalborder

Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.

@papasuncle

Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing

@3sunzzz

*4yo son, crying*

I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?

*sigh*

Parenting is hard.

@greek_heanen

My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge

@aaronflarin

doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day

also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week

@OlanDevine

POLICE OFFICER: Your name?

MAN: The Rock.

POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?

MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.

@UnFitz

Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?

@Tobi_Is_Fab

4-year-old: That chicken is weird

Me: What chicken?

4-year-old: That chicken

Me: That’s a whooping crane

4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken