MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
You Might Also Like
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
The Joker was right
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00