Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
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Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
Parenting is hard.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –