mmm onion ringos
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Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually