“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
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ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.