“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
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[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>