Mmmm canned fish.
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Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Florida be like…
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku