Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.

little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths

People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.

Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is

I get it fireworks, people set me off too.

Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.

I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

i dont have time for this

I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.

Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.

Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.

Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.

Her: When I was dancing in my panties?

Me: No…Cooking

Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.

Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.

when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by

I block people for being stupid.

…I block a lot of people.

Being married to me:

Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me

Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.

When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”

Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there

Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.

ME: We’re adopting a baby!

FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?

ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension

-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?

-Sentimental attachment.

-It just caught fire.

-Aww, just like old times.

[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else

When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”

Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.