mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
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I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
6: are snakes just neck?
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling