Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
SF is the wild wild west man
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]