[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
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Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.