Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
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I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django