Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
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8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.