Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
You Might Also Like
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Storm Tropical Storm
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.