MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
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Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Breaking news:
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.