mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
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Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth