mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
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My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Whoa 😂
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey