mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
You Might Also Like
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?