Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
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First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.