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Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
What happened to the metaverse? Are people still stuck in there? How can I help?
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank