Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
You Might Also Like
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden