Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
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when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.