[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
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Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.