MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
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if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
*weighs self after shaving
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat