Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
You Might Also Like
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Who did it better?
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.