Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
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“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
be careful
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
umm…
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Every time my phone rings
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?