@JustLikeMikee
@dazedandsincere Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
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@dazedandsincere 
@batkaren LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
@jonnysun *hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
@meldiesattheend If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
@DomesticGoddss Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
@USAFVetMusicman 
@philmann PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
@Home_Halfway {Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
@GoldenSpirals An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
@UncleDuke1969 When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
