@JustLikeMikee

Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent

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@dazedandsincere

Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.

What I heard: Ma’am

@batkaren

LITTLE MERMAID 2016:

SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!

ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*

@jonnysun

*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost

@meldiesattheend

If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.

@DomesticGoddss

Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.

@philmann

PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom

@Home_Halfway

{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.

@GoldenSpirals

An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.

A PEZimist fills it with candy.