Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
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If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.