Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
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ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*