moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
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I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Need WebMD
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.