*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
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Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
nice challenge
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.