Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
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God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.