Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
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absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Weirdos gonna weird.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.