Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
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If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Geez man, take it easy.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…