Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
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You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.