@itsBABYSMITH

mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.

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@bobvulfov

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

@LeBearGirdle

Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!

Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope

@Cheeseboy22

Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.

@BrentTerhune

A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.

@AmishPornStar1

Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”

@GrowlyGrego

“Bear with me for a minute.”

– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.

@ohthatbadger

30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.

@Love_bug1016

When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.