Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
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My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws