@JediGigi

Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.

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@DiamondLou69

It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.

@jimmytorosian

Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.

@WilliamAder

Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”

@MoneypennyNaked

Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]

@thejamietighe

Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.

Who’s ready for music?

Not you.

You have tetanus

@KalvinMacleod

[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years

@LurkAtHomeMom

Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.

@vangobot

WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you

@causticbob

You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.