Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
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If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
tinder is all about the long game
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that鈥檚 enough of that I think
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 馃檭
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that鈥檚 why we鈥檙e getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 馃ぃ
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.