mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
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your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Close call…
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.