Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
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A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Everything reminds me of my ex
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.