Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
You Might Also Like
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
The government even made aliens boring
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.