Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
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Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Haha! 😂
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Why am I like this?
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog