@scot7a

“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”

*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*

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@RickAaron

You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.

@Pumpkinbabypie

You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?

It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.

@MelvinofYork

It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive

@RickAaron

Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.

@fowlerism

ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!

WIFE: I never loved you

ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first

@chuuew

[before sex]

ME: Did you notice I waxed?

WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows

@Carbosly

My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.

@JimmerThatisAll

If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.

@Kingadrock914

If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.