“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
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A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.