“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”

*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*

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You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.


You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?

It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.


It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive


Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.


ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!

WIFE: I never loved you

ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first


[before sex]

ME: Did you notice I waxed?

WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows


My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.


If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.


If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.