mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
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Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.