Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
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I’m sorry…what?
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?