mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
You Might Also Like
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Lube but for my dry humor.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??