Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
You Might Also Like
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.