mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
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Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
The photographer’s assistant
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…