MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
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“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead