MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
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I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.